he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
