apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
