I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
