I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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