This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
