In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize