This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
