I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
