he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
