Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I want her autograph on my taint
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
