considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
