OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
