So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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