dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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