Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
