I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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