people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
and she was petting her beer can
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
