Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Pappa wants mamma naked
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
