i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I deserve to be covered in dicks
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
