i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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