Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
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This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
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He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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