Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
