You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
