i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
