I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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