Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
