I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
