Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
