You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
