Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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