He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
