Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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