and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
