He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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