I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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