I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
