she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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