my phone needs a breathalizer
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Randomize
