my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
