1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
