I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
