You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
