Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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