is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
