this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
