My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
