I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
