I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
