Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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