We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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