1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Randomize
