There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
