Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
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You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
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bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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