can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
