i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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