when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
