I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
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moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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