life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize