so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Drunk is not a location!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
