I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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